By Hang Ngo, Psy.D.
My daughter just told me that she is transgender or nonbinary (跨性別) and I am so confused about what this means. My daughter wants me to refer to her as my “child,” instead of my “daughter” and if I talk about her in English, I am supposed to use “they” instead of “she.” Is my daughter abnormal?
Let’s start with having you practice referring to your transgender/nonbinary child as your child, instead of your “daughter,” as they requested. Your child may feel hurt and disrespected if you do not honor their true gender identity after they had the courage to tell you. That may cause disconnection in your relationship.
Being transgender/nonbinary is a normal part of human diversity. There are plenty of cultures throughout history and in the present where genders beyond the binary of male or female exist. Here is a map of gender diversity throughout the world: https://www.pbs.org/independentlens/content/two-spirits_map-html/
Many people are scared of what they don’t understand, so people are quick to consider it “abnormal.” It can feel terrifying for transgender/nonbinary people to come out due to fear of people’s negative reactions. Some negative reactions include attacks that have sadly resulted in the murders of many transgender people.
Many are taught that one can only be a man or a woman, not both, neither, or someone else altogether. We are misled into believing that our gender identity is defined by the genitalia we have, but gender identity is more complex and not related to our genitalia at all. Gender identity is one’s psychological sense of who one is along the spectra of male, female, both, or neither.
The fact that your child told you that they are transgender/nonbinary indicates that they want you to know this important part of them, so your relationship may possibly become closer. Please take this opportunity to build that relationship with your child. You know that your child is normal—their gender identity is just different than what you expected, which is okay. Ultimately, do you wish for your child to be happy, healthy, and to have a good relationship with you?
The more you try to change someone, the more you are communicating that you do not accept them as they are. If you do not accept your child, then the relationship you have with them will always feel painful for them, as they will continue to feel rejected by you, and that they need to hide a big part of themself from you. Is this the kind of relationship you want with your child? A lot of research shows that when children feel rejected by their families, they are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and thoughts of hurting themselves.
If you want to feel close to your child, if you want your child to truly feel your love and care, to help them feel happy and healthy, then show them that you love all parts of them, even the parts that you don’t understand. You can start to increase your understanding by respectfully asking your child about their feelings and experiences of being transgender/nonbinary, and how you can be supportive. For more resources on how to support your gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer, or transgender child, you can download an informational booklet through the Family Acceptance Project, available in Chinese, English, and Spanish: https://familyproject.sfsu.edu/publications.
Remember that saving and nurturing relationships with the most important people in your life, like your child, is more important than saving face. Also know that there are many other parents who have transgender/nonbinary children so you are not alone. I hope your relationship with your child continues growing.
About the author: Dr. Hang Ngo is a licensed Clinical Psychologist. She speaks English, Cantonese, and Mandarin. Dr. Ngo provides therapy, psychological assessment services, and Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion consultation in Davis Square, Somerville. Her website is: https://hangngopsyd.com.
To submit your questions to the Ask Dr. Hang column, please email editor@sampan.org.
Disclaimer: The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. This column, its author, the newspaper and publisher are not responsible for the outcome of following this advice in any situation. You are responsible for your own actions.
To read this article in Chinese (Traditional), please click here.
