My daughter and I have gotten into arguments about her attending the protests against police brutality. Of course, I think it’s wrong for the police to kill Black people, but I worry about my daughter getting hurt at the protests, and I want her to stay safe at home instead. We came to the United States so my children can have an education, good jobs, and a healthy life. I told my daughter all of this, and she keeps saying that we Asians and Asian Americans need to stand up in support of the Black community, because they have stood up to support Asians in the United States. How can I make my daughter understand that she shouldn’t go to the protests?
After the Vietnam War, my parents knew they couldn’t risk the economic hardships and mandatory military service raising their children in Vietnam. My parents wanted their children to have everything they didn’t have: a college education, financial stability, and safety in living in a democratic country. So they left behind their families and their roots so their children would have a better future.
You may have a very similar story of leaving a country that was not taking care of its people enough for you to want to raise your children there. It’s a dream that has drawn countless people to the United States. But it’s also a dream that has not come true for many, especially for Black people. Not only were they brought to the U.S. as slaves, but even after achieving freedom from slavery, they’ve had to fight against systemic oppression. And even today, their fight is not over. Racism against Black people still exists, and police brutality is just one of its many manifestations. This is what your daughter protests against.
I hear how you worry about your daughter. This is how you show care. But your daughter is her own person, and there is no way you can control what she does or does not do. To maintain a good relationship with your daughter, you need to try to empathize with her feelings. It is hard to feel close as parent and child when your own worries and needs cloud your vision of your daughter’s feelings and needs.
When you put your own feelings and judgment aside, what do you think your daughter actually feels? Why is protesting and taking a stand against injustice so important to her? When she tells you how she feels and what she wants, can you truly hear her words or are they drowned out by your own feelings and needs? Maybe she is telling you that she feels so sad seeing the suffering of Black people. Maybe she is telling you that she is angry and disgusted by the treatment of Black people in this country. Maybe she is telling you that she believes it’s important to stand up for other people because this is how a just society is built. Can you try to feel what she feels? Would that help you understand her choice in protesting even if you personally disagree?
Furthermore, to make a better society for everybody, it’s essential to take one step further and empathize with other communities that are suffering. For example, as a mother, you don’t want anything bad to happen to your children. Now, using your empathy skills, think about how Black mothers worry about their children too. Bad things have been happening to Black children for over 400 years in the United States, and they are still happening. Black children are no longer sold like they were when Black people were still enslaved, but Black children and Black adults are still being targeted by the police. They still live in neighborhoods that the government doesn’t care to improve. Black people are jailed at higher rates and for longer times for lesser crimes than White people, and Black families are torn apart by incarceration. Black people still have to fight to vote in this democracy. Once again, can you try to feel what they feel?
I don’t know how long or how many generations you suffered before you took the leap of moving to the United States. I don’t know who much you lost in order to be here for a better life for your children. But I wonder: if you, your people, and your children have been suffering for more than 400 years, would you be in the streets alongside your daughter rallying for a better life from a government that is supposed to take care of you?
Finally, try to use empathy to not just understand why your daughter cares about protesting to support Black people, but to also understand those other times you may have disagreements with your daughter or other important people in your life. When we are so focused on our own fears and our own egos, we cannot see what other people feel and need from us. Only when we can truly empathize with others can we build strong and positive relationships, communities, and ultimately, a more just society for everyone.
About the author: Dr. Hang Ngo is a licensed Clinical Psychologist. She speaks English, Cantonese, and Mandarin. Dr. Ngo provides therapy, psychological assessment services, and Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion consultation in Davis Square, Somerville. Her website is: https://hangngopsyd.com. To submit your questions to the Ask Dr. Hang column, please email editor@sampan.org.
Disclaimer: The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. This column, its author, the newspaper and publisher are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your actions.
