The marriage of two people from different cultures is becoming more common in the U.S.’ ever-evolving society. But it hasn’t always been this way. In the past, especially, interracial marriage had long elicited hostility and discrimination – and was even banned at times.
Even states now known for progressive and liberal policies like California prohibited interracial marriage. But consider: The Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882 had even restricted Chinese immigration for over a half century and Japanese Americans including U.S. citizens were forced to “internment” camps during World War 2 – both symbols of persistent xenophobia. It wasn’t until the 1967 Supreme Court case Loving v. Virginia that remaining miscegenation faded away in the U.S.
The Sampan spoke with four people who are in interracial marriages about their experiences with love, discrimination and acceptance. Here are their stories:
Ron Suga: Who Cares What the Neighborhood Thinks
I was born and raised in New York, sansei – third generation in America. All of my grandparents immigrated from Japan at the close of the 1800s. My parents were raised to be “good Americans” and spoke no Japanese and were taught little about the “old country.” I attended a suburban Long Island high school where I was one of two Asian American students out of a class of four hundred almost entirely white students. It was there that I met my wife-to-be. She was born in Scotland and moved to New York as a child. Her family was very Scottish. I loved to hear them talk and thoroughly enjoyed the contrast. Her family get-togethers were jovial, drinks flowed freely and they seemed to welcome me warmly. When my family gathered, the atmosphere was polite, quiet and dry. It would be hard to imagine two more different families.
We were married less than two years out of high school. We moved to upstate New York where I was attending college. We looked like children. Early in our marriage, there was a knock at our door. It was a local priest who asked to come in. While it was a pleasant visit, I finally asked him why he chose to drop in. He laughed and explained that one of his parishioners had suggested that he do so. He frankly told us that this neighbor explained that we were a couple with problems. When he asked about the nature of the problems, she said, “Well, she is white; he is not. She is Catholic, he is not. She is tall; he is not. She is outgoing; he is not.”
We all had a good laugh but it pointed to the fact that not everybody was comfortable with our marriage. This was the 1960s. Interracial marriages were still illegal in some states. The war was less than twenty years in the past and hearing people refer to me as a Jap or a Chink was not shocking. How did this affect our marriage? We were young and in love and it probably drew us closer together.
We had three active boys. Growing up in Massachusetts in the 1970s and 1980s, was very much like New York in the 1950s and 1960s. Racism was more out in the open but in our neighborhood, they were accepted. One mother told my wife that she had asked her son, “So, how are the new neighbors?” He replied, “The father is Chinese, the three boys are Chinese and the mother is regular.”
And then he ran out to play.
Our sons knew that this was an issue, but it wasn’t until they were adults that we learned that there were fist fights where they had each other’s backs. They each handled racism in different ways. One built his body into a muscular suit of armor; another moved to Seattle to get away from the racist state and the third fought back with words. People are not discriminated against because they have some white blood; they are classified by their minority blood. The fact that their mother and father come from different ethnic backgrounds was not an issue. The issue was that the world sees them as different which is reason enough to discriminate.
It took many years for me to understand that despite being generations away from Japan, there is much about me that is Japanese. The same can be said about my wife. She is more than a half century away from Scotland, but much of her is Scottish. Of course, such differences have caused difficulties but, in the end, I believe that it has made for a richer life for both of us. She has often joked saying, “Just think how boring your life would have been if you had married some quiet little Japanese girl.”
I’m convinced that is true.
Mei: Luck and Love
I think I am the lucky one. I was married to a white American for almost 17 years, and I didn’t really come across issues because of the differences of cultures, neither among our families nor teaching children. Or maybe I am not detailed enough to notice the differences…. My husband always asks me where do you wanna go? What do you wanna do? I will drive you wherever you want to go, I will do whatever you tell me to do. What do you want? You know where all the money is, buy whatever you want. I’ve never realized how lucky and blessed I am until I am writing this.
He always listens and respects my choices and my culture. We overcame a lot of things before we were finally together, and together we went through a lot life threw at us. My husband is my first boyfriend and I married him when I was quite young. I was very childish and sometimes unreasonable. I said a lot of mean things to him, and I treated him badly after our first child was born, but he tolerated me, never left me, and still loves me.
There was a point that was so close — God almost took him away from me — but thank God that he didn’t; instead God gave me a second chance to rethink and to be better to my husband. I think my marriage with my white husband is a wonderful life journey. He is always there patiently, he is my husband, my best friend, my life partner to grow old with, my big brother, and also my teacher. I learned from him and he helped me to grow up。
There was time difference culture comes in place, but it is never a problem for us, we always talked, we tried to let each other understand and know why and how I feel about it, also how I would like it to be, if it comes to a point that one of us absolutely can’t do it, we will meet each other halfway. Every marriage will have its unique issues, not just interracial marriage. Before getting into marriage, we chatted a lot everyday for hours and hours a day, I know him and he knows me very well, it’s so well that I will know what he thinks, how he feels and what he will do if something comes up, so I think knowing each other is very important before marriage. Communication and understanding is just as important especially in marriage, don’t be shy, don’t let him wonder or guess, put yourself in his shoes, of course, I will ask for the same thing in return.
Ruth: Found Enduring Love in 46 Year Long Marriage
I think that interracial marriages are not as much as a stigma as they were 20 years ago. I was born in the United States as a second generation Chinese American, and it must have been hard on my parents that their children may date or marry outside of their race. Having not many Asian people to hang out with while growing up from elementary to high school to college of course I would adapt more to the “white ways” of doing things (i.e. dating and social gatherings).
Maybe dating an Asian girl or boy was something special. Maybe being Asian was a mysterious culture to the white folks. Asian people are good partners because they may be loyal and do not ask for much or are “low maintenance.” When I was going to marry a white person, I was afraid to tell my parents. The idea of having my parents and relatives accept him … I was concerned my husband’s parents would not accept me. But I think living a great distance from them helped that I would not have to interact with them on a daily basis.
Having my daughter was a game changer as far as easing tensions with the parents. And because my husband had a good job and provided for this family, my parents were at ease that I had a “good husband.” I did not think anything of my daughter being accepted when she started school. I know I felt odd and scared when I started school, being only one of a few Asian students in the school system. I know my daughter felt different when she started school. I never looked at her as being Asian. She told me she thinks of herself as more Asian than White.
Yizhen: The Wisdom of Interracial Marriages
The term interracial marriage was coined to differentiate itself from the traditional accepted concept “mono-racial marriage”– people sharing the same racial background and establishing a life together. I am bothered by this perceived difference.
Fundamentally, interracial marriage is about two people from different cultures, ethnic backgrounds and skin colors sharing values, views and cultures with each other and ultimately deciding to cultivate a life with each other. It is worth noting that one does not necessarily share the same culture with the other in a mono-racial marriage. Culture is not just a black and white concept or a box that everyone can be categorized in. Culture is also personal, individualized — a fluid creature constantly detecting, analyzing, absorbing what fits or not fits into one’s lifestyle while actively and subjectively taking in one’s experiences and then reshaping the experience based on its existing value system.
My marriage is not part of themes any therapist can find in their research on interracial marriage, but rather, about two people from different cultural backgrounds falling in love, finding the shared values and differences, and deciding to cultivate a new family culture, that is again constantly evolving based on we as a couple experience this world. This is in some way, every couple experiences, be it interracial marriage or mono-racial marriage.
The process of raising children is definitely a testament to the strength and love any couple has. All cultural differences seem to be under the spotlight when you are raising those little ones. This is not unique to interracial marriage. One difference from the traditional mono racial marriage is that rather than discussing which family ritual/tradition to keep within the same holiday, interracial couples get to figure out from scratch which holidays to celebrate and how to celebrate each. My husband is Jewish and I am Chinese. We decided to celebrate all Jewish holidays, American holidays and Chinese holidays in our own way. Our new formed culture is that we will get a Christmas tree with Jewish and Chinese ornaments. We have educated our children since they are born that Santa is not real and Santa means people who give. Christmas is not a religious holiday to us but rather a time of joy, lights and family togetherness, the similar themes that are celebrated throughout the Chinese and Jewish holidays.
I am not worried about whether my children fit into any particular circle of friends due to racial/ethnic reasons as I fundamentally believe that friendships are a two-way street and not fitting in might be a good indicator that this environment is not the best for my children. I see that as an opportunity to find the alternatives instead of wasting my energy on people who should have been educated better. After all, my children should know they come from one culture cultivated by two loving and strong individuals whose cultures stemmed from two great civilizations filled with thousands of years of wisdom. They are who they are: Jewish/Chinese Americans that have inherited our unique family culture, are ready to embrace the world and ultimately cultivate a different culture with another human being who might or might not share the same racial identity.
Did I also mention that researchers found that the more distantly related a person’s parents are, the more likely they are to be taller, smarter, and better educated?
