Mother struggles with son’s gay sexuality

My son just told me that he is gay and we have been fighting about this. I think that he is young and confused, but he said that he’s known that he is gay for many years and that he is 20 years old, so he thinks he knows who he is. Did I do something wrong to make my son gay? How can I change him so he is not gay anymore? I would feel embarrassed if other people find out that my son is gay. Maybe if we didn’t immigrate to the United States and stayed in China, he would not be gay?

First of all, it is not your fault that your son is gay, because being gay is not a fault to begin with. Being gay, bisexual, heterosexual, and all the other possible sexualities are just reflections of normal human diversity.

You might ask, if being gay is normal human diversity, then why are there so few gay people, especially in China? Rarity does not mean abnormal. Also, being gay, bisexual, or queer, is not that rare at all. Many people choose not to come out because they are concerned about safety and acceptance. Many people are scared of what they don’t understand, so people are quick to attack what they think of as “abnormal.” It can feel terrifying for gay, bisexual, and queer people to come out because of these reasons.

The fact that your son told you that he is gay indicates that he wants you to know this important part of him so your relationship may possibly become closer. Please take this opportunity to build that relationship with your child. You know that your child is normal– his sexual orientation is just different than what you expected, which is okay. Ultimately, do you just wish for your child to be happy, healthy, and to have a good relationship with you?

The more you try to change someone, the more you are communicating that you do not accept them as they are. If you do not accept your son, then the relationship you have with him will always feel painful for him, as he will continue to feel rejected by you, and that he needs to hide a big part of himself from you. Is this the kind of relationship you want with your child? A lot of research shows that when children feel rejected by their families, they are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and thoughts of hurting themselves.

If you want to feel close to your son, if you want your son to truly feel your love and care to help him feel happy and healthy, then show him that you love all parts of him, even the parts that you don’t understand. This may look like you learning about the long and rich history of gay and queer people that have always existed around the world, including China. This may mean that you talk to other parents with gay and queer children so you can learn from their journeys of accepting their children. This may look like you learning how to respectfully ask your son about his feelings and experiences of being gay, and how you can be supportive.

Remember that saving and nurturing relationships with the most important people in your life, like your son, is more important than saving face. For more resources on how to support your gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer, or transgender child, you can download an informational booklet through the Family Acceptance Project, available in Chinese, English, and Spanish: https://familyproject.sfsu.edu/publications. There are also videos in Mandarin and Cantonese available here: https://pflag.org/blog/resourcesapifamilies. I hope your relationship with your son continues growing.

About the author: Dr. Hang Ngo is a licensed Clinical Psychologist. She speaks English, Cantonese, and Mandarin. Dr. Ngo provides therapy, psychological assessment services, and Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion consultation in Davis Square, Somerville. Her website is: https://hangngopsyd.com.

To submit your questions to the Ask Dr. Hang column, please email editor@sampan.org.

Disclaimer: The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. This column, its author, the newspaper and publisher are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your actions. 

First of all, it is not your fault that your son is gay, because being gay is not a fault to begin with. Being gay, bisexual, heterosexual, and all the other possible sexualities are just reflections of normal human diversity.

You might ask, if being gay is normal human diversity, then why are there so few gay people, especially in China? Rarity does not mean abnormal. Also, being gay, bisexual, or queer, is not that rare at all. Many people choose not to come out because they are concerned about safety and acceptance. Many people are scared of what they don’t understand, so people are quick to attack what they think of as “abnormal.” It can feel terrifying for gay, bisexual, and queer people to come out because of these reasons.

The fact that your son told you that he is gay indicates that he wants you to know this important part of him so your relationship may possibly become closer. Please take this opportunity to build that relationship with your child. You know that your child is normal– his sexual orientation is just different than what you expected, which is okay. Ultimately, do you just wish for your child to be happy, healthy, and to have a good relationship with you?

The more you try to change someone, the more you are communicating that you do not accept them as they are. If you do not accept your son, then the relationship you have with him will always feel painful for him, as he will continue to feel rejected by you, and that he needs to hide a big part of himself from you. Is this the kind of relationship you want with your child? A lot of research shows that when children feel rejected by their families, they are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and thoughts of hurting themselves.

If you want to feel close to your son, if you want your son to truly feel your love and care to help him feel happy and healthy, then show him that you love all parts of him, even the parts that you don’t understand. This may look like you learning about the long and rich history of gay and queer people that have always existed around the world, including China. This may mean that you talk to other parents with gay and queer children so you can learn from their journeys of accepting their children. This may look like you learning how to respectfully ask your son about his feelings and experiences of being gay, and how you can be supportive.

Remember that saving and nurturing relationships with the most important people in your life, like your son, is more important than saving face. For more resources on how to support your gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer, or transgender child, you can download an informational booklet through the Family Acceptance Project, available in Chinese, English, and Spanish: https://familyproject.sfsu.edu/publications. There are also videos in Mandarin and Cantonese available here: https://pflag.org/blog/resourcesapifamilies. I hope your relationship with your son continues growing.

About the author: Dr. Hang Ngo is a licensed Clinical Psychologist. She speaks English, Cantonese, and Mandarin. Dr. Ngo provides therapy, psychological assessment services, and Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion consultation in Davis Square, Somerville. Her website is: https://hangngopsyd.com.

To submit your questions to the Ask Dr. Hang column, please email editor@sampan.org.

Disclaimer: The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. This column, its author, the newspaper and publisher are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your actions.